


My Love, You Are Not A Monster

by kangelique



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 01:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15675162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kangelique/pseuds/kangelique
Summary: Emma's magic is out of control and Killian finds her in the forest after three days and comforts her while helping her regain control again.Set in Season 4 when Emma blast a wall through the sheriff's station after the Snow Queen upsets her."Because I will never fear someone I care deeply for."





	My Love, You Are Not A Monster

**Author's Note:**

> All in all, I think, if given the chance, Killian would have been able to help Emma get control of her powers again but alas, we did not get a nice scene like that between them so this is what came out from my imagination, hope you like it!

My **Love, You Are Not A Monster**

Emma was still in the forest.

Still just as completely shaken as she'd been three days ago.

First it had been hours. And then it turned to days. But she couldn't go back. She just couldn't.

_I can't._

The Snow Queen's words--Ingrid--kept replaying in her head, over and over again, like a taunt intent on engraving itself there, being successful in pushing away any lies she tried to tell herself. That her parents loved her. That they weren't using her. That it wasn't just one mistake that it took to turn them against her. That she was their daughter, not just the savior to them. That they did all they could to save an entire kingdom. That they loved her. They loved her.

_They love me._

But they weren't the truth. They were pretty little lies that she wanted to believe. Pretty little lies that now were finally coming out to spit back in her face. And each spit was more disgusting and horrible than the next because each spit was them. Their fear. The fear that had been completely visible in her mother's eyes and the surprised expression on Henry's face--her own son--and the hurt she'd caused to her father.

That's what hurt the most. Above all, it was seeing the evident fear in her mother's eyes, the anger, the admonition, the disgust of seeing what she'd done to her own flesh and blood even though it had been an accident and she hadn't meant to-- _I didn't mean to._

She hadn't. She'd warned them to stay away. But it escaped her anyway at the slightest touch. Hook's touch, to be specific. Because he'd been the one to come forward, and a small part of her had wanted to lean in, to let him take her in his arms and bring her control to the magic in her body as he whispered in her ear that it was okay, that they weren't scared, that she wasn't a monster. Not to him. Not to them. Not to anyone. That it was stupid, and she shouldn't let this Snow Queen get to her, that these things the Snow Queen had said to her about understanding weren't true. She wanted him to say that to her. She wanted THAT to be the truth so much more than she'd wanted for anything.

_I'm not a monster._

But that small part of her had flickered away in an instant when he touched her, when he felt her skin slid against his skin and her brain had immediately panicked saying  _No Emma, you'll hurt him_. And she didn't want that, she couldn't hurt Killian. She cared for him. A lot. More than she was willing to admit at the moment. But it had backfired, and she'd hurt someone anyway. Someone much closer to her. Someone who would never hurt her. And her mother had reacted in a way that hinted at how amazed she'd been to have given birth to her, to this...this monster with magic. This monster with magic that was her daughter. A daughter who she'd apparently given birth to 28 years ago. So amazed that she'd created a horrible, dangerous weapon for the world.

Like having light magic meant just because of one mistake.

_It was just one mistake, mom._

She thought about how funny it was that she'd spent all her life dreaming about how her mother would be, comforting her, taking her side, being there for her, and love never wavering from her no matter how many stupid and reckless things she did. Because that was the love of a mother. Who loved their child so hard and so much that they would never even think about fearing her, about being afraid of her. Because no matter whatever bad things Emma carried, her mother would still love her as if she carried no bad things at all.

But that had just been proven wrong.

Completely, completely wrong.

All her fantasies, all her thoughts, all the ideas of how a mother--her mother--would be like had come crashing down so fast in the blink of an eye. In the eye of fear. And as the hours passed she realized it had come crashing down a long time ago, probably since she first arrived in Storybrooke, since she broke the curse, probably since Neverland when they'd admitted their deepest darkest secrets and  _I want to have another baby_ was her mother's deep darkest secret. What she'd been withholding this entire time. Finally admitting this isn't what she wanted, that in a way Emma wasn't what she wanted despite loving her all the same. That having her with her now, it would never be enough, because she wanted the full experience. The seeing the first smile, the first step, the first laugh. And Emma couldn't give that to her anymore, no matter how much her mother tried to live with it, no matter how much her mother said she was okay with it, she just wasn't. And she'd wanted another try. A new baby, where she'd get the real things she wanted. Where she could get everything. A second chance. A better chance. Something Emma could never be for her.

Suddenly she felt hate. A hate for her mother. A hate she didn't want to feel, but it was there and it was rising every little spark in her body that had just been waiting to be set to light, and thinking about her mother had been the perfect match because it was like an off-button that had just been turned on and caused a million little fluorescent lights above her to come to life--or in this case her hands--and then burst out of her in a million different directions as it escaped out of her so hard and so fast that it threw her back and landed her in a trembling state on the ground, needing to take a few minutes where the only sound that registered clearly was of the constant flickers and cut-off sparks moving in mixed up shades of faint red and white colors slowly beginning to become visible through the rest of her exposed skin and even all the skin she had covered, she could feel it there, but her hands were still the strongest point.

_Calm down, calm down Emma, you have to be calm, you just have to be calm._

Like the same three days ago, the chanting didn't work.

Like the same three days ago, Ingrid's words still hit her just as hard as when she first heard them.

That's what kept her stuck in the forest.

That's what made her abandon her bug on the second day.

That's what kept her roaming aimlessly into the passing hours and heavy breathing as her most trusted companion, despite the growling in her stomach becoming more and more prominent as breakfast, lunch, and dinner wore on without her.

That's why she kept that chanting going on in her head even though it was useless and did nothing to truly calm her, only keeping her in same different, alone, and misunderstood state.

The girl she'd been.

The girl she still was.

Trapped.

Just like she'd been trapped for all 28 years in different, alone, and misunderstood.

Trapped even though she'd finally found her family.

The girl was still there, like she'd never been reunited with her family at all and continued being the orphan year after year.

Still angry, still unwanted, still unable to forgive. 

Still that girl Ingrid had taken care of for 6 months, and gotten to know, gotten to live with, gotten to grow fond of.

Because in a weird way, Ingrid did understand her. Ingrid could understand the girl frozen in different, alone, and misunderstood. And right now that was all she wanted. All she'd wanted her whole life, and now the person who was her real family was there waiting for her to come to terms with things.

Waiting for her to join her and excitedly run into her arms.

Emma truly wished that wasn't what she wanted, but it was.

It was.

But she still held back.

Something still held her back from giving into that weird, twisted idea that Ingrid could understand her, could love her, could help her, could be the family the little girl inside her still longer for.

_Family isn't just flesh and blood, Emma._

She was right. It wasn't just flesh and blood. It was so much more, and right now that left her at a crossfire because she was so close, so damn close to giving in if it meant having a real family.

If it meant no longer being different, alone, and misunderstood because she would finally be with the person who truly got her. Because Ingrid had BEEN her, and if there was one thing Emma knew as true was that you couldn't understand someone until you went through the same thing as them. Not really. Not ever until you went through the same thing, and Ingrid had.

_Ingrid can understand._

"Swan."

Her head snapped to Hook's voice coming from somewhere close, immediately feeling the sparks and flickers begin to lose whatever control she'd managed to gain when she heard a twig break to her right, and there he was, standing a few feet away from her carrying a to-go bag from Granny's; the smell of cheese wafting through the air despite the forest smell of green and dirt that she'd been on for three days, quickly falling away when the smell came to her nostrils instead.

She remembered his last voicemail before her phone battery died.

**_Swan, it's been days and you haven't eaten. I don't know if you have been eating anything since we last saw you at the sheriff's station. Please come back. You need to eat. -Killian._ **

 A small smile appeared.

She could guess it was grilled cheese in that bag.

And he couldn't have been sure he would find her, but he'd still come with that bag in hand trekking through the forest for who knows how many hours now, all because he was worried she hadn't eaten.

A smile of his own appeared when he saw hers, and he took that as a sign that he could come closer but her hands went up at the first step, "No!"

He froze at how scared her voice came, and if she'd met his eyes for a second she would have seen concern, and not the fear she thought was what had caused him to stop when her hands flew up.

"Swan, it's--"

"No, stay back," She felt a desperate need to flee when she realized that if she turned around to try to run, he would easily catch her. "J--just stay back. I don't want to hurt you, Killian, please, just stay back, don't come any closer. I--I don't want to hurt you. I really don't, Hook."

Already her heart had accelerated, and her breathing was slowly going downhill to uneven the more he continued to stand there.

"Love, you're not going to hurt me."

"No, yes...I...I could," She whispered, more to herself than him as she closed her eyes to find some calmness while the shades of color changed in and out, waving and mixing rapidly as if to show her confusion and her genuine fear of how quickly she could kill someone if they got too close.

Something cracked, and they both turned their heads to look up at the same time to see a fat branch from the tree Emma was leaning against, was now hanging loosely above the very spot Hook was standing at, and any wrong move or startle could send it to come crashing dangerously on top of him. Her body trembled, not daring to move an inch, trying to will her magic into control as minute after minute passed and it only made her want to disappear into the trunk the more he continued to stand there, still holding the bag and looking as if he wanted to run to her but he could see how unstable she was.

So instead he spoke.

"Emma."

The use of her name brought her attention to him, so used to him calling her by her surname that it actually caught her off-guard but she felt something inside her dwindle--just for a second; It was so straight forward and gentle at the same time that they both knew it had shifted a spark or flicker back into its place, even in the slightest, it had just helped her despite how brief.

"Emma, look at me."

Her eyes went to his blue gaze, worried for her, caring for her, anxious to get close but deciding to stay where he was if it helped her keep herself at bay, silently telling her that he didn't fear her but was waiting for her to see it on her own.

She almost did.

A little spark cracked out of her finger, making her flinch with the interruption of the noise, clenching her hands into fists as she reeled them into her chest.

"Hey," She looked up. "you're not going to hurt me. And do you know why? because I'm going to move to you and that branch won't fall on me. I trust you, Emma. Now you need to trust yourself. You can do this, Swan, it's in you. But you need to believe that, and I can't make you believe that, love, it has to come from you. You can do this, you can bloody well control your magic, and well..." a light scoff escaped, followed by a small chuckle from Emma at his next words. "I don't know how much this grilled cheese can withstand in the sun."

For the first time in 3 days, Emma smiled; He smiled back at her, nodding his head and then lifting his foot to take the first step but she immediately shook her head, eyes popping out, and boots slipping on the dirt when she saw him begin to come forward.

"Hook, don't," She warned, but yet he began walking toward her, keeping his eyes on her the whole time and choosing to be slow to reach her so she could process what he was doing, process that it was okay, that she was in control.

Her palms suddenly came alive with a glow when he was only just a few inches away from her, and he stopped to set the bag on the ground before straightening up to look at her again, hand now free; seeing her hands , a small smile crossed her when she realized how her magic reacted to having him so close, and he seemed to realize it too because a full on smile appeared with a raised eyebrow that said  _Oh so someone likes me, isn't that so?._

She watched him come to close the distance until their foreheads were touching, and she slightly flinched when she thought a blast of white forcefield was about to escape her because she could feel it bubbling inside her, just waiting. But it didn't. And his eyes fell away to closed when he breathed her in, tips of their noses now touching as her eyes did the same, following him even as little crackles of light came out of her hands like continuous cut off electricity but he still brought his hand to her left one, hook grazing her back when he wrapped his arm around her waist, gently holding her in place as his palm slowly came to touch hers, the closer she could feel it coming was the more it caused it to glow a bright radiant white, fuller and more beautifully blinding as they finally touched, palm to palm, and then slowly slipping his fingers down the space between that let him enter until their hands were now entwined, and just like that the glow going on in both her hands died away with one last burst of light before settling to her regular hue.

"See, love? You're alright."

"I am," She whispered, other hand coming to rest at his shoulder, both their eyes still closed as his head tilted to the side and she could feel how near his lips were to hers, almost right there to officially have no distance.

"It's alright."

"It is."

Then his lips suddenly crashed against hers, and she could feel the surprise when he caught his mouth in hers, pulling her flushed perfectly against his body with the help of his hook only after getting over the initial shock of her head hitting the tree bark, making her wince and him let out an apologetic laugh, biting his bottom lip so adorably that Emma couldn't resist untangling her hand from his to bring it to his neck while the other was still at his shoulder and rise on the tips of her toes as she pulled him down to her and he quickly rewarded by capturing her mouth again, this time his tongue darting in, which she rapidly accepted by holding the back of his neck, fingers gripping the small dark curls at the end and insisting on having him closer as their kiss went on and out and in again, each time him also pulling her tighter to him until they both had to break away for air, both smiling and panting like complete fools because of how they'd enjoyed THAT; her magic seeming to respond by both hands at his neck coming alive with a particularly bright glow just as her cheek did the same, and Killian chuckled, bringing his hand to cradle her cheek as she leaned into it and the glow going on burned all the more at his touch, even the sparks and flickers she could still feel all around her were now different, excited.

"Easy tiger."

"We've got no company," He pouted.

She chuckled softly. "Hmm...you're right."

And with that, they both kissed again, only this time more slowly, savoring each and taking the time to gather their air so they could go back in again as their mouths moved to a delicious patient rhythm; her magic being set ablaze but now for a very different reason that Hook grinned about, knowing too well that it was tied to her emotions and right now he was the one causing those emotions so happy and playfully.

Her stomach grumbled and he pulled away, smirking and easily taking her hand, picking up the bag and then leading her to a clear spot to sit on the ground.

"How did you find me?"

He shrugged. "I wasn't sure if I would," and then he whispered. "but I hoped."

A small smile appeared but then her eyes went down when she felt tears begin to pool, and she sniffed, clearing her throat before asking, "And--And Henry? How is he?"

Gently, his thumb and index finger went under her chin as he slowly brought her head up to look at him, eyes staring right into hers when he said, "Henry is fine. Your boy is fine."

She breathed a sigh of relief and he released her chin to move his hand up to cup her cheek with his palm, and she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch as they stayed like that for a moment, his thumb gliding over her skin in a slow motion that helped her shaking begin to relax until she opened her eyes and then threw herself into his waiting arms, face burying into the crook of his neck as his arms came around her, holding her tightly to him as she gripped at the hair at the back of his head and he responded by pressing her closer to him until there was no more space between them, and she was on his lap while he ran soothing circles on her back, feeling as she gradually became limp and then stayed still in their embrace, just feeling his breathing match hers.

"We're all worried about you, love."

She didn't say anything.

He sighed. "Emma, you're not a monster."

"No?"

This was as broken as she'd allowed herself to feel.

That was as broken as she'd allowed herself to let him hear.

But he didn't pull away, like a part of her hoped he would.

He only confirmed.

"No."

"Ingrid was right," She whispered numbly.

"I want you to listen to me very carefully," He didn't wait for her to nod or agree that she would. "You are not a monster. The Snow Queen was wrong, whatever she said to you, you are not someone we should fear. More importantly, you are not someone YOU should fear because, my love, you are who you are and if who you are is someone with magic, then that's okay. Your parents have realized their mistake, and now you must realize yours. Don't take to running away, because we can help you."

"I could have hurt you." A tear now slowly slid down her cheek and he circled his arms around her waist tighter. 

"But you didn't. I trusted you."

"Why?" Her mind was a haze in understanding.

"Because I will never fear someone I care deeply for."

_Someone I care deeply for._

Despite everything the simple words brought her a warmth in all the isolation she'd trapped herself in but now it felt so good, so very good to have him here, as horrible as she probably looked, and to know her family was anticipating her return.

"I care deeply about you too."

"Aye," He chuckled. "I know."

"Okay."

"Okay." He responded quietly and then she stood up, taking his hand with hers as he stood up, and then she gave one last exhale before nodding and turning to him with a still hesitant but determined look.

"Okay let's go."

"Alright." He gave her an encouraging smile and they both began walking but after the first few steps, she paused and he raised an eyebrow. "what's wrong?"

A sheepish smile took over her face. "Could I eat that grilled cheese first?"

He laughed and handed her the bag, nodding and smiling as she almost greedily opened it and took a large bite that him chuckle wholeheartedly as he pulled her in for a quick peck that left him with a sticky taste to his lips before he whispered, "Of course."

 

 


End file.
